Endless
by Crutcherella Wormwood
Summary: Based on that one article about that chick who rode out the endless appetizers at TGI Friday's for 14 hours, because that seemed like an extremely newsie thing to do. Partially an apology for JHoK. Modern AU. Rated just for a lot of swearing. Smalls appearance cuz why tf not.


July 20th, 2014

10:46 PM

"Endless appetizers," Race mused in his city drawl, inspecting the newspaper in front of him carefully at Jack and Crutchie's dorm dining table.

"Yeah," Romeo confirmed. He sat at his right on the circular table and craned over his neck to see the full-color advertisement. "Some new gimmick TGI Friday's is doin'. Ten bucks for all the potato skins you can gobble up."

"In theory," Jack added as he emerged from his room in his usual navy hoodie. Collapsing into a chair, he continued, "Not like anyone would actually do it. C'mon, what idiot is actually gonna get more than one plate of appetizers? Who even orders appetizers anymore?"

Race continued to bury his face in the paper, almost questioning the ad's authenticity. After a good, hard look, he coughed out a harsh chuckle.

"I take that as a challenge," he said.

Jack squinted. "The hell is that s'posed ta mean?"

Race threw down his paper. He had his ridiculous snarl of a mischievous grin growing across his face. "Ya heard me. Free apps all day? Even Elmer can sell that headline. But how far are the servers actually gonna go? There's gotta be a limit. I say we try pushin' it. I propose we do a little investigatin'."

"My dearest Mister Higgins," Romeo replied as he set a hand behind his friend's neck, "You're a complete moron!"

"Hear the guy out, hear the guy out," Jack murmured. He hunched forward across the table. "Watcha got it mind?"

Snatching up the newspaper once more, Race declared, "TGI Friday's opens at nine an' closes at eleven at night. An' they's sayin'..." He pointed enthusiastically at the giant print of a mozzarella stick dipped in marinara. "ENDLESS appetizers. It's simple. We go in and pull fourteen hours a' constant apps. Jus' ta see what they'll do."

"We're gonna get kicked out for sure," Jack said. "Can't believe I'm sayin' this, but Romeo's right."

"Feels good," Romeo affirmed.

"But I'm dead serious," Race continued. He swatted Romeo's hand off of his neck. "I'm gonna call up the boys right this second. Jojo will be on my side." He slid out his phone from his jeans pocket and began dialing, raising his eyebrows in a "Whatcha gonna do about it?" expression.

"Of course he will," Jack passively agreed. "Cuz he's Jojo. But-"

As Race held the phone to his ear and a finger to Jack, electronic ringing hummed from somewhere else in the apartment. A few thumps came from a room down the hall and soon Crutchie stumbled out of his bedroom, baggy-eyed with his blanket on as a cape over his faded Spongebob Squarepants t-shirt and cotton pajama pants.

He held up his iPhone. An extremely flattering caller ID photo of Race's nostrils illuminated the screen. "Race. What the hell."

"Jeez, I thought ya were an early bird."

"Race," Crutchie repeated."What the hell."

"He wants ta seize the opportunity of the 'endless appetizers' promotion at TGI Friday's," Romeo explained.

Wiping his blurry eyes, Crutchie let out a tiny yawn. "Y'know, someone should go in there and jus' keep orderin' them all day," he mumbled sleepily. "See what happens."

"Exactly!" Race exclaimed, standing straight up.

"Okay, it might be kinda fun," Romeo piped up, standing as well. "We should get all the boys in on it." Dramatically he smashed a fist to the table. "We ride at dawn!"

"Hang on, fellas..." The weary Jack leapt to his feet. "We're not ACTUALLY gonna sit in a booth for fourteen hours straight and order mozzarella sticks until we drop dead, are we?"

...

July 21st, 2014

9:05 AM: Jack drove us over to TGI Friday's just as it was openin up. We got the corner booth. It's real comfy. I'm writin in a page of Jack's travel sketchbook cuz we gotta "document our discoveries." Our waitress is this real pretty girl named Liana. She's got long chestnut hair and brown eyes. Oh yeah, Race, Davey, Les, Romeo, Jojo, and Specs are all here too. And Smalls, for some reason. Specs or Romeo musta invited her. They's blaring Blurred Lines, and I'm dangerously close to both goin deaf and appalling misogyny. I dunno if I spelled that right. Katherine's the one who just said that last part. Oh right, I forgot. She's here too. Yeah, it's real crowded. The first three orders of mozzarella sticks are goin in now. Wish us luck.

-Crutchie

9:07 AM: Let me get something straight; This is going to be a short lunch. I'm usually all for whatever big project these guys want to tackle, but this is a little ridiculous. Les is having fun, at least, though I'm contemplating whether or not to be concerned that he knows 90% of the lyrics to "Blurred Lines." He hangs out with these boys too much. Not that I can do much of anything about it. The damage is already done.

-Davey

9:09 AM: Jack, why in God's name am I here?

-Katherine

9:09 AM: Because you love me. Besides, I need the moral support.

-Jack

9:19 AM: PLATES ONE THROUGH THREE OF CHEESEY GOODNESS HATH ARRIVED, along with Jack's Diet Coke, Katherine's Sprite, Specs' lemonade, Smalls' vanilla milkshake, Jojo's strawberry milkshake, etc.

-Romeo

9:20 AM: Plates one through three of cheesey goodness are demolished. That was the most amazin thing to ever become acquainted with my taste buds.

-Romeo

9:22 AM: So we just had the first servin of mozzarella sticks. They weren't really the best, I guess. Kinda tasted like cardboard and pizza grease and death. But hey, that's fine. It's worth it for scientific discovery... Right?

-Specs

9:23 AM: Those tasted like shit.

-Race

9:29 AM: Jojo no stop twerking to The Fox Jojo why

-Jack

9:38 AM: That pretty Liana girl jus came by after we ordered round two an looked at is like we were askin for a bathtub fulla cholesterol. Which I guess we are. We're crackin down on em! They dunno what to think bout us!

-Crutchie

9:40 AM: What no Les no don't join in Jojo look what you're doin to America's youth.

It's not even 10 yet guys get it together.

-Jack

9:47 AM: The next three plates are here. These actually look kinda disgustin and taste really stale. But there are eighteen, I guess, so we each gotta take a couple. We're all in this together.

-Specs

9:54 AM: My lemonade ain't substantial enough to numb the taste with so I'm stealin a gulp of Smalls' milkshake while she's in the bathroom to choke this down.

-Specs

9:57 AM: Specs, you know we all share this journal, right?

So ya better watch your ass.

-Smalls

10:05 AM: These tasted like shit.

-Race

10:18 AM: So, apparently, Davey an Les gotta leave now cuz their mom called em home to finish their summer reading assignments. I know it's bull, cuz if there are three things I know, they're that a) Davey Baum would complete his homework the minute after it is assigned for fear of appearing lazy, or, like, I dunno, a normal kid, b) Les Baum would turn it in at the last possible second written in crayon despite anything his mother would tell him, and c) Davey turned reeeaaal green after stick number four.

-Jack

10:30 AM: SERVING THREE. LET'S GET AWESOME.

-Romeo

10:45 AM: SERVING THREE. LET'S GET A PARAMEDIC.

-Romeo

11:02 AM: Dear Lord. Smalls swiped Specs' glasses as he was on his way back from the bathroom. He can't even find the booth. She's runnin around the restaurant screamin something about how revenge is a dish best served cold "just like that goddamned milkshake" and is giggling like a maniac as Specs is crashing into walls and apologizing guys how many of those did she have

-Jack

11:05 AM: Twelve sundae glasses fill the table, with only three members of our party mentally under the age of eleven. One has already departed, the two crowding up his section of the table lined with remnants of chocolate. The other two sit parallel along the circumference of the table. Six of the remaining still possess a puddle of pink artificial sweeteners. Those would belong to Jojo. The remainder, once filled with vanilla and stained with pearly white condensation, are Smalls'. In conclusion, five. And someone needs to cut her off, hella quick.

-Katherine

11:08 AM: Damn, I love it when you talk over-analytical.

-Jack

11:45 AM: SERVING FOUR I FEEL AS IF IM GOING TO EXPIRE

-Romeo

11:59 AM: Still shit.

-Race

12:02 AM: Specs finally made it back. For some reason, when we said we'd saved him a couple a sticks, he looked like he was gonna start crying?

-Crutchie

12:45 AM: My. Ass. Hurts.

-Race

12:59 AM: I'd love ta be in the marketin meeting when TGI Friday's decided what their customers would sit on at every location.

-Race

1:05 PM: "Hey Bill, I got an idea. Y'know what we should fill the plushy booth seats with?"

-Race

1:07 PM: "I dunno... Cotton? Springs? Somethin comfy?"

-Race

1:08 PM: "Nah."

-Race

1:09 PM: "Hatred."

-Race

1:50 PM: SERVING FIVE THE END IS NIGH.

-Romeo

2:00 PM: Yeah Jack you were right this was a really bad idea.

-Race

2:02 PM: Then why are we still here?

-Jack

2:03 PM: Science?

-Race

2:30 PM: Okay Jojo's been missing for twenty minutes I'm takin off his whipped cream cuz if I gotta take one more of these sticks straight I'm weavin myself a noose of French fries.

-Specs

2:54 PM: SERVING SIX WHAT THE HELL.

-Romeo

3:06 PM: Jojo came back and was pissed about the whipped cream but managed to scarf down ten mozzarella sticks and cheer himself back up. HOW.

-Specs

3:21 PM: I'm not going to ask this out loud but does ANYONE KNOW WHERE THE HELL JOJO EVEN WENT?

-Katherine

3:22 PM: I dunno he just kinda wanders off sometimes just let it go.

-Jack

3:23 PM: The snow glows white on the mountain tonight...

-Jojo

3:40 PM: New rule after I just had to erase the entire lyrics of Adele Dazeem's frozen song; no one lets Jojo have the journal.

-Jack

4:01 PM: SERVING SEVEN IM STARING INTO MY SPRITE GLASS ASKING IT WHAT THE MEANING OF THIS GODFORSAKEN LIFE MAY BE.

-Romeo

4:20 PM: NOOO KATHERINE DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE WITH THESE BOYS

-Smalls

4:26 PM: So, Miss Katherine jus left. She seemed pretty cranky an tired. I'm actually surprised an proud she stuck it out so long. Meanwhile I'm jus sittin here bored outta my brain.

-Crutchie

4:48 PM: GUYS LOOK! SPOT CONLON'S HERE! BY THE HOSTESS STAND!

-Specs

4:59 PM: Spot Conlon is refusin to make eye contact with us. Does it really look that bad over here?

-Specs

5:05 PM: Yep, it definitely looks that bad over here.

-Smalls

5:12 PM: SERVING EIGHT JUST... WHY.

-Romeo

5:30 PM: Jesus we're twenty four plates in I can't believe we haven't been cut off yet. WHY DON'T THEY CUT US OFF ALREADY SO WE CAN CALL EM OUT ON THEIR SHIT FOR CUTTIN US OFF.

5:46 PM: At this point I'm jus drownin the mozzarella sticks in ketchup. I think I threw up a little bit in my mouth on that last one.

-Specs

6:06 PM: Smalls hid the freakin ketchup no why

-Specs

6:24 PM: Romeo has snatched a kid's menu from the hostess stand and is currently colorin in a cow on a farm with green crayon. I think he's muttering "moo" to himself.

-Jack

6:34 PM: Servin nine. I'm done. I love these guys, but I've been here for ten plus hours, and Crutchie's about to go bonkers. We'll see ya guys back at the apartment.

-Jack

6:52 PM: I jus reached for the marinara sauce for my next mozzarella stick and I coulda sworn I heard Specs growl at me as he slowly pushed it back towards himself.

-Romeo

7:23 PM: Romeo's done. The guy jus ran an puked in the bathroom. He called up Elmer to drive him home, so he should be here any minute. Meanwhile these sticks still taste like shit.

-Race

7:43 PM: Guys, this is the BEST idea you ever had! Why didn't you invite me before?

-Elmer

7:50 PM: In review, we got me, Jojo (Jojo get off that table), Romeo (loopy and halfway into a food coma), Specs (he looks really spaced out you okay buddy), Smalls (Where did she come from where did she go), a tenth serving of mozzarella sticks, and now Elmer at the table. Jesus Christ. What I do for science.

-Race

8:08 PM: SMALLS I SWEAR TO GOODNESS IT WAS ONE SIP OF MILKSHAKE AND I CANT ORDER ONE MYSELF BECAUSE ITLL MESS UP THE BILL AND OUR SCIENTIFIC ENDEAVORS WILL BE FOR NAUGHT PLEASE GIVE ME THE MARINARA SAUCE TO KILL THE FOUL ODOR AND TASTE OF THESE DEEP FRIED STICKS OF RUBBISH UNLESS YOU WANT TO FEEL MY WRATH

Ls gi VE mE b ack my gl A sSES I CA Nt' WRi tE

-Specs

8:34 PM: Jojo has joined in the partaking of the mooing.

-Race

8:36 PM: What is it we're all brought here to do in this world? I mean, what's the point of this existence? Dreams are built on hopes and happiness, but what then? When we die, our souls just get swallowed back into the void. And in the end, who really gets remembered? Only the lucky few. We spend our whole lives trying to leave a footprint for when we die, but what is that all for? Just a fantasy of the ego. The ego doesn't even get to enjoy it, does it? After all, who's been back from death and can tell us what actually happens? How do we even come up with our theories? Who's to say that we aren't indeed still conscious beings within our bodies withering away decade by decade by century, even after the coffin closes?

-Romeo

8:43 PM:

The eleventh set of plates came around and Specs just slammed the table and screamed "FUCK." Romeo is laughing/sobbing his ass off, Elmer just sprayed milkshake out of his nose, Smalls is hoarding all the ketchups in our row like a squirrel, and Jojo is aggressively mooing from somewhere under the table. The night is officially over.

Total plates of apps completed: 30

Total mozzarella sticks consumed: 180

Total puking incidents: 4 1/2

Total worth of seeing Specs drop an F-bomb in public: Priceless

But yeah, this was a really shitty idea.

Let's do it again next week.

-Race


End file.
